by Judith B. Glad

Chapter 1

She was an emotional basket case when she walked into the conference hall. Perhaps that was why he affected her so strongly.

Madeline didn't know what she'd do if the insemination didn't take this time. She'd been so certain she was pregnant following the first one that when her period came she'd felt like a failure. Having to be at the Wetlands Conference at approximately the same time as her next fertility period had had her chewing nails until her temperature began to climb and she knew she'd be able to do both.

Coming here directly from the clinic wasn't the most intelligent thing she'd ever done. Nor had her doctor approved. He was a firm believer in rest and relaxation. "I can't imagine any self-respecting embryo wanting to imbed itself in a tense uterus," he'd said. "Go home. Put your feet up, and pamper yourself for a day or two."

Instead she'd caught the next shuttle flight to Seattle.

The auditorium was almost full. She saw her boss waving at her from a seat in the middle of a row about halfway back. Stifling her desire to be anywhere else but here, she wove her way through the crowd. At least she could sit down.

"Did I miss anything this morning?" she said, slipping past two jeans-clad young women and gratefully sinking onto the molded plastic chair he had saved for her.

"Not much." He handed her a plastic-covered name badge and a handful of literature. "Registration lasted until ten, then they introduced the VIPs and talked about the philosophy of wetlands preservation." He pushed his attaché case under her feet, grinning as he did so. Around the office it was an acknowledged fact that her feet didn't reach the ground. "Oh, yeah. We had a slide show, with pictures of wetlands."

"What else?" she said, smiling in spite of herself. There was absolutely no reason she should feel so fragile. It was as if a single cross word from any perfect stranger would make her dissolve into a puddle of tears.

The first and second speakers of the afternoon were undistinguished, although the information they shared was interesting. Madeline didn't think, however, that she'd ever have much need to create urban wetlands, or to work with industrial complex designers to incorporate existing wetlands into site plans. She was really waiting to hear about "The Responsibility of Local Regulatory Agencies in Wetlands Preservation." Sooner or later she would have to deal with a wetland threatened with destruction. When she did, she wanted to be prepared.

"I've heard this next fellow is a pretty dramatic speaker," her boss murmured as the audience rustled programs and whispered before the third speaker was introduced.

Madeline started to reply, to say she'd heard that before, a long time ago, but the words caught in her throat.

The man who bounded onto the stage was beautiful! Even from forty feet away, she could see the lively sparkle in his eyes, could feel the energy he radiated.

More than that, she sensed his pure virility. Her mouth grew dry, her heartbeat accelerated. A heavy warmth flared in her lower belly, and her breasts were suddenly sensitive and tender.

"Omigawd!" she gasped, but the tiny sound was lost in applause. She was grateful for the sudden darkness, because she was certain her instant lust for the man on the stage was written all over her face.

Under other conditions she would have been thrilled to be finally putting a face to the name. Ever since Jesse had gone off to Boys' State when he was a Junior in high school, she'd heard stories of the young man for whom he'd felt immediate liking. Erik Solomon had charisma--a word she doubted Jesse had ever used before in his life. He was committed, was directed. His name would be a household word in a few years.

Jesse had never again met Erik, but they'd kept in touch. Madeline had been impressed more than once by Erik's inspiring, impassioned letters to Jesse, his espousal of ideas and concepts that might bridge the gap between conservation of natural resources and the needs of a growing world population. Perhaps Erik's letters had even contributed to her choice of career.

* * * *

Waiting at the edge of the stage in the last moments before he was introduced, Erik closed his eyes and pulled the tatters of his psyche into a tight sphere at the center of his being. He was so tired! It was getting more and more difficult to generate the enthusiasm that put him in such demand as a speaker at these conferences.

After six weeks of back-to-back conferences and workshops, he was drained. He just didn't have that much of himself to give, anymore. Each conference, each encounter with questioning, demanding audiences took a little more away, until sometimes, trying to unwind in his everywhere-the-same hotel room, he felt like an automaton, mouthing platitudes about a resource loss that didn't matter to nine-tenths of the people in the world.

"When you're up to your ass in alligators, it's hard to remember that your initial objective was to drain the swamp," had been a popular quip about overwork when he was in college. The attitude it reflected was all too prevalent, even today. To the general public, a swamp was for draining. It wasn't a member of a class of highly productive ecosystems that were vanishing at an alarming rate.

The rustling of the audience continued, taking on an impatient pitch. With one last deep breath, he opened his eyes and bounded onto the stage, ending in front of the lectern. Shoulders back, arms loose at his sides, chin high, he stood in a carefully dynamic stance, a leader, a prophet, a wise man.

Silence. So quiet the proverbial dropping pin would echo and re-echo from the hard, undraped walls. No one challenged his fitness to lead them wherever he chose.

He raised his chin a little higher and narrowed his eyes, so no one would see how he was searching the audience for those two or three faces to whom he would speak directly, convincingly.

Erik Solomon was well known as an intimate, charismatic speaker. He'd never told anyone how he faked it by pretending he was talking with his best friends.

There. A middle-aged man with a friendly, open face, a good listener.

And there. That young, pony-tailed, bearded fellow in the brightly colored parka, one of the save-the-world crowd.

One more. His eyes roved over the crowd and were caught, held, by a face so endearing, so yearning, that he almost forgot where he was, what he was doing.

A quick, automatic chop of his left hand called for darkness. After that the swiftly changing slides kept the audience enthralled while he calmed his breathing and forced his thoughts back to wetlands.

His presentation following the slides must have been competent, for the questions were the ones he always got. Finally he brought the session to a close with a promise to elaborate on many of the points of confusion in his workshop tomorrow. As he concluded, he allowed himself another quick glance toward the woman whose face had filled his mind throughout his talk, hoping his extreme physical--sexual--reaction to her had been a momentary aberration.

She was gone. Her wide, yearning eyes, her curly mass of dark hair, her daffodil blouse, were nowhere in sight. And he couldn't even search for her, for the brief recess following his talk brought many of the audience to the side of the stage, full of questions.

Would she be at the banquet tonight? And would it matter? He knew from experience that his attention would be demanded by half the people there, leaving him little time for any sort of socializing.

* * * *

Erik saw her, as he'd hoped to, across the banquet room. Everyone else faded into insignificance as he watched her, noted the way her lips lingered on the rim of her wineglass, imagined them lingering thus against his mouth.

She was only average in looks, not spectacularly beautiful, not plain. Her mop of curly black hair framed a thin face with enormous eyes, a straight nose, and lips that seemed to quiver on the edge of a smile. She should have a dimple in each cheek, but he had yet to be close enough to discover it, or to see the color of her eyes. They were light, but whether golden brown or sky blue he could not tell.

Her clothes were ordinary too. A straight skirt, a frilly lavender blouse, replacing the crisp yellow one she'd worn that afternoon, when his attention had first been captured by something about her. There was a glint of gold at her ear, a sparkle of white fire on her finger. Her right ring finger, not her left.

His relief was unreasonable.

Erik realized he'd been staring, oblivious to the conversation circling around him, when he heard, "Hey, man, come to the party!" A stocky, swarthy man in suntans was motioning to him.

Erik stifled a groan. It wasn't as if he'd missed much. Those guys dragged him into their unending disagreement every time they got together. He tried to look interested, but found his attention wandering as soon as he heard the same old argument yet again.

"We did what we had to do for the demands of the time. If the Soil Conservation Service hadn't managed those salt marshes back in the Thirties, they'd have been entirely lost to development."

And, as he always did, the other countered with, "If you guys hadn't put in floodgates and weirs, we'd still have salt marshes, instead of pastures."

"Bull! Erik, tell him how they filled--"

"You guys are wasting your energy. What's done is done. I'm concerned with saving what we've got left, not assigning blame for what's already gone." He swallowed the last of his wine and set the glass on a table beside him. "I'll see you around."

He began to weave his way among people, many of whom caught at his sleeve or tried to stop him with a question. Before he could reach her, the call to dinner came, and he watched her take a table halfway back in the large room, beside the older man whom she'd been standing with. Her partner? No. He had to be a co-worker. He had a good thirty years on her.

He'd catch her after dinner. They could go into the bar and have a liqueur, while they got acquainted.

* * * *

Madeline wilted seriously during dinner, until she didn't know if she'd make it back to the hotel. Perhaps she should just lay her head down on the table beside her plate and give in to the seductive desire to sleep. Someone would surely wake her when it was time to go.

She laid her fork across her half-full plate and forced her eyelids back where they belonged. Wide open. Willing her head to turn, she looked about the banquet room for a focus, something that she could concentrate on, anything to keep her attention well enough that she could maintain consciousness for just a little longer.

The sight of him woke her like a jolt of direct current. His profile was sharply defined by the pale gray draperies behind the head table. His short beard glinted golden in the overhead light. He seemed removed from the conversation all around him, distracted. His hand lifted a coffee cup to his mouth slowly, as if he were operating on automatic. Lift cup. Sip. Set cup down. Wait thirty seconds. Lift cup. Ad infinitum.

He was beautiful, never mind that the word was not conventionally applied to men. Erik Solomon was beautiful. Sun-streaked hair curled rakishly around his ears and tumbled across his high, tanned forehead. His eyes were dark, darker than Jesse's had been, and just as startling in so blond a man.

Sleepiness deserted her as she watched him, wondering what those lean fingers would feel like, drifting across her cheek. Would his beard be scratchy, or soft, erotic, against her bare breasts. Like Jesse's.

Oh, God! Jesse. What was she doing? How could she compare anyone with Jesse--her first, her only, love? Madeline closed her eyes and called up Jesse's image. Without success. The blackness of her inner eyelids remained blank, empty.

Desperately she tried to recall the individual parts of him--light sandy hair, cut short except in late summer when the demands of the ranch kept him from the barber shop; brown eyes lit by a teasing spark; wide, mobile mouth, always on the verge of a grin; pug nose like a kid's, incongruous on a man otherwise so totally masculine. As she put the pieces together, they took shape in her mind, but the vision that resulted was not Jesse. The hair was longer, more golden, and the nose was aristocratic. She opened her eyes to see her vision still seated at the head table, now staring straight at her.

She stared back, peripherally aware that the tables had been cleared, the after-dinner speaker introduced, the keynote speech delivered. At least an hour had passed since she first locked her gaze on Erik Solomon--had she actually stared at him the whole time, or had she, as she desperately needed to, slept?

Her boss's grin answered her unspoken question. "Did you have a nice nap?"

Feeling the blush lighting her cheeks, Madeline returned the grin. "Lovely, but not nearly long enough. I think I'll pass on the rest of the evening and head back to the hotel."

"Jeez, Madeline, it's only nine-thirty!"

"Don't be a drag!"

The others, all planners from small towns in Idaho, Oregon, and Washington, agreed. This would be their only chance to talk shop in the relaxed atmosphere of a quiet bar, since most were leaving as soon as the conference ended tomorrow.

Madeline regretted her exhaustion, but she shook her head. "I'd be no fun, people. All I'd do is sleep in a quiet corner. I'll see you tomorrow. Okay?"

Amidst more argument, she picked up her raincoat and stuffed the program into her purse, checking to make sure of the name of her hotel. Given her state of fatigue, she was liable to do all sorts of dumb things.

The touch on her arm and the low, rumbly voice in her ear startled her.

"Leaving so soon?"

Tired or not, her body went on alert. It was the same inexplicable reaction she'd felt this afternoon, an intense awareness. Almost a yearning.

She jerked her arm away from Erik Solomon's light touch. "No! I mean, yes." Wake up Madeline! "Yes. I'm leaving. I'm tired. It's late. I...."

"Me too," he said, his hand lightly cupping her elbow. "Let's see if I can find us a cab."

Before she knew it, he was bundling her into a cab. "Which hotel?" he asked.

She told him.

"Just down the street from mine." He relayed the information to the driver, leaned back as the cab accelerated into the heavy early evening traffic with a slight screech of tires.

Madeline relaxed back into the seat, wishing she were already in her hotel room. She appreciated his taking care of her, but now she just wanted him to go away and let her alone. She was so terribly, terribly tired. She let her eyes close, her spine relax.

Erik couldn't decide whether he was insulted or complimented by the complete trust she showed by falling asleep. He knew he sometimes bored his dates, sometimes forgot that everyone didn't share his enthusiasm for wetlands preservation. But he couldn't remember ever having put a woman to sleep before. He slipped his arm around her, tipped her head to rest against his shoulder. It felt right. She fit.

He closed his own eyes, aware of being more than just tired. His mind refused to relax, kept worrying at problems facing him back in Washington, D.C., anticipating questions from tomorrow's seminar attendees, wondering why the woman's name seemed familiar.

Madeline Pierson. He must have met someone by that name and it stuck in his mind. He knew he'd never met this particular woman before. He wouldn't have forgotten her.

When the cab pulled up to her hotel, he couldn't wake her. If he hadn't been feeling like some kind of ghoul for his body's reaction to her warm breath on his neck, he might have been more patient. "Damn it, lady, wake up," he growled. The driver waited, watching him in the rear view mirror. Finally Erik gave up and reached for his wallet. "Keep the change," he told the now-snickering cabby as he pulled her awkwardly out of the back seat.

He had to lean her limp body against the building while he dug in her purse. He could just imagine the desk clerk's reaction when he carried a comatose woman in and asked what her room number was. The plastic key card was tucked into an outside pocket, but of course it told him nothing. Her wallet was buried at the very bottom of the confusion of keys, notebooks, conference program, cosmetics, pens, a stamped but unmailed phone bill, disposable flashlight, and a fat Swiss Army knife. She started to slide to the sidewalk while he was unzipping her wallet, forcing him to pull her firmly into his embrace.

His body reacted predictably. Damn it! Ever since he'd seen her at the conference this afternoon, he'd been randy as a teenager at a girls' camp. He grimaced. It had been a long time since he'd suffered instant lust. Too many dangers, both medical and emotional, prompted his scientist's mind to rule his all too human libido.

He was finally able to steady her drooping body and peer over her shoulder at the receipt tucked between two credit cards. As he did so, a photo in a plastic sleeve caught his eye. It looked like...

God, it was! Jesse Zenger. That was why her name was so familiar.

Stuffing her wallet back into her purse, he swung her into his arms and climbed the seven stone steps to the small lobby. "Ms. Pierson was taken ill at the banquet," he told the suspicious desk clerk. But he had to produce identification--hers and his--before the woman allowed him near the elevator.

God! What if he hadn't lied? Was she ill? He'd never seen anyone sleep so soundly. Erik struggled to get them both inside her room and gently placed her on the double bed. Laying the back of his hand against her cheek, he was relieved to find it cool. He left her alone while he closed the door and switched on a lamp on the dresser.

Bonelessly she sprawled along the bed, in exactly the same position he'd put her. He should leave, but he didn't want to. What if there was something wrong with her that didn't cause a fever? "Madeline!" He spoke harshly, demandingly. "Madeline, wake up!"

"Hmmmm?"

"Wake up, Madeline. You need to get into your nightgown, to brush your teeth." He could see her trying to force her eyelids open. When she finally did, he saw that her eyes were a deep, clear, vacant green.

"Jesse? Oh, Jesse, I had the most awful nightmare." She clutched his wrist and pulled. Pulled hard, so he either had to go to his knees beside the bed or pull her upright. He knelt.

"Hold me, Jesse. Please. I dreamed you were dead." The tears welling from her eyes streaked across cheeks so pale they might have been carved from the purest ivory. The pain behind them wrenched at his heart, for he didn't want to tell her it wasn't a nightmare, but reality. Jesse was dead.

Without reservation Erik lay down beside her and pulled her into his arms. Her sobs continued for several minutes, as if they'd been contained for a long time. She clung to him, even when her breathing quieted and she slipped again into sleep.

For a long time he stared at the ceiling in the dimly lit room, wondering at the deep feeling of rightness he experienced, just from holding a sleeping stranger. Yet she was no stranger, for Jesse's infrequent letters had been filled with stories of his wonderful, beautiful Linnie.

Madeline woke in Jesse's arms. The room was pitch black, with a strange smell and small, strange sounds. She had no idea of the time, or even how she had gotten here--wherever here was. All she knew was that her nightmare was over.

She nuzzled against Jesse's neck, smelling his clean, soapy odor, feeling the slight, soft prickle of his whiskers. His arm tightened around her. "Love me," she whispered, stroking her hand down his lean chest, across his tight abdomen, teasing him into readiness through the soft wool of his trousers. "Oh, sweetheart, love me, please." She needed reassurance. It had been so cold, so lonely in her dream.

He responded by tightening his hold on her, by seeking and finding her mouth. His kiss was gentle, yet insistent. She ran her fingers through his hair--he needed a haircut as he always did in the summertime--holding him close while he gave meticulous attention to her cheeks, her eyelids, her mouth.

She felt herself climbing perilously close to the edge, as if it had been forever since he'd kissed her. "Now," she urged, impatient, needing him inside her, filling her. She fumbled at the fly of his trousers, frantic to free him. "Please, Jesse."

And he pushed her away!

Roughly he grabbed her wrists, forced her to release him. Before she could react, he was off the bed, away from her.

A click and light flared. Madeline blinked, seeing a hotel room that was at once foreign and strangely familiar. "Jesse," she cried, "what's wrong?" She reached toward him, where he stood by the dresser, his back to her. A tall man, with wide shoulders hunched, as if in pain. Then he turned.

"Jess...you!" The recent past came flooding back, with all its pain. Tears welled up and flowed, burning tracks down her cheeks.

"I'm not your Jesse, Madeline, and I'm sorry."

His voice was deep, gentle, full of sympathy, the mellow, convincing baritone she'd listened to just...today? Yes, today.

He sat beside her on the bed, tipping her face up with one hand while he pulled tissues from the box on the bedside stand with the other. "Here," he said, holding one to her nose. "Blow."

She tried to smile. Taking the tissue, she wiped her eyes and, holding it to her nose, sniffed. "I'm mortified," she whispered, trying not to notice that he was still mildly aroused. As she looked everywhere but into his face, she saw that she was completely dressed, even to pantyhose. Well, almost completely.

His smile was crooked. "Lady, you really know how to wake a guy up."

Madeline burned. Not just her face, which she knew was glowing bright enough that the lamp was unnecessary, but her hands, from the remembered feel of him. "I'm sorry."

"So am I. If I'd thought you knew what you were doing, I'd have cooperated with enthusiasm." His finger touched her cheek.

And now the burning threatened to become a wildfire. The wanting had been born when she first saw him, had grown since then, until it was consuming her. Jesse was gone, gone forever. No one would ever again cherish her, defend her, love her as he had. And she was so desperately lonely, so incredibly empty. "Make love to me," she said, not looking at him. "Please, just for tonight?"

The silence stretched until she wanted to break it with a scream. "I wanted you the instant I saw you," he said, his voice hoarse. He didn't move from where he sat, as far away on the edge of the bed as he could get.

"I've never felt like that before," she admitted. "As if I'd perish if I didn't have you." She traced a meaningless pattern on the sheet. "I still feel that way," she whispered, knowing what she was doing was wrong, but needing him. Needing to be held, to be kissed, to be loved.

"I was going to leave after I tucked you in," he said. "But I couldn't. I knew nothing would--could happen, but I needed to hold you just a little while longer. I couldn't resist lying down beside you, for just a few minutes before I left."

His sheepish smile told her he really hadn't intended to fall asleep. She took a deep breath. "Will you?" She looked at him, her eyes asking the rest of the question that she hadn't courage to put into words a second time.

"Are you sure?"

Madeline nodded. Just to be held once more, even for a few moments, and she'd be able to face the lonely years ahead.

He leaned forward, his fingers touching her face again. Heat spread from the point of contact, flooding her body. "I've never wanted anyone as I do you."

She touched a questing finger with her tongue. "Can you protect me?" she asked, with the one last vestige of common sense remaining to her.

"Yes," he said, his eyes holding hers. " But I don't usually..."

She could see the effort he was having, to hold himself in check. "Neither do I," she agreed. Licking dry lips with a tongue devoid of moisture, she said, "but this time...."

He lunged across the intervening space, pulling her close. With hot mouth and hard, desperate hands, he caressed her, kissed her, while she clawed at his shirt, pulling it free of his trousers.

"Wait--" Catching her wrists, he held her seeking fingers away from his belt. "We have all night, Madeline."

Her breath caught. "Sorry. I just--"

"Yeah. Me, too." His whole body was tight, trembling.

Eric had the strangest sensation that he'd done this a hundred...a thousand times before. There was no clumsiness, no hesitation. He knew where the lightest touch would drive her yet higher toward that ineffable peak. His tongue found her pulse points, her warm crevices and hollows, her delicious curves, to lave and tickle, to taste and tease.

She knew where to stroke him into helpless moaning, how to clasp him intimately until he cried out, "No more! Please!"

She showed no mercy. He was barely within her when they both exploded into a frenzied climax.

As he collapsed beside her, still holding her against his chest, still clasped within her thighs, Madeline feared that once would never be enough. She still wanted him with a barely quenched hunger.

As their breathing slowed, she felt him harden. Her inner muscles tightened in response. This time the initial, terrible urgency was replaced by a languorous, delicious sense of timelessness. His kisses still devoured her, but with a gourmet's delight, rather than a starving man's hunger. Her hands still molded and smoothed his strong, lean body, but slowly, carefully, as if memorizing every bone and muscle and sinew.

She met his slow, deep strokes eagerly, yet without haste, without the desperation she'd earlier felt. As she made the slow climb to her peak, she sensed he was beside her, matching her tension, her expectation.

At the last, ultimate moment, he matched her passion as well. "Madeline," he breathed into her hair as he collapsed atop her. "Madeline," he repeated as he rolled to his side, holding her still clasped in his arms.

Jesse...She bit off the word before it could emerge. Gently she disengaged herself and curled up just beyond his touch. "I probably shouldn't admit this," she said, to justify her movement, " but I can hardly keep my eyes open."

"I should go," he replied without moving.

"Probably," she agreed, her eyes drifting closed.

* * * *

When Eric woke, he knew immediately where he was and who lay in the bed beside him. For the oddest moment he felt as if he belonged where he was, then his natural aloofness returned. He rolled out of bed, knowing that the next few minutes could be both embarrassing and uncomfortable. Probably both. Much as he regretted the necessity, he would make sure she understood that he wasn't in the habit of one night stands, nor had he any intention of making it a long-term arrangement. While Madeline Pierson had his deepest sympathy, that was all he was able to give her.

When he came out of the bathroom, she slipped past him, head lowered. Neither spoke. Eric dressed, then stood at the window, staring out into a typical November day in Seattle--rainy. He heard her emerge from the bathroom, listened to the rustle of clothing as she dressed.

"I suppose I should apologize for falling apart on you last night," she said at last. Her voice wasn't quite steady.

"No apology needed. I hope you don't think--"

"What happened was my fault. I was...yesterday I..." He heard her take a deep breath. "Look. Eric, can we just agree that we both made a stupid mistake, and not discuss it?"

"Of course." Relieved, he turned around. The first thing he saw was the love bite on the side of her neck, just above her collar. "Have you got a scarf?"

"Wha-- Why?"

He turned her around, lay a finger lightly on the dark smudge.

"Good grief! I'm glad you noticed that." She dug into her suitcase, lying open on the bed. The fluffy scarf she pulled out was soft, clinging, and the exact soft green of her eyes. With the bright pink blush in her cheeks, she was so lovely she left him breathless. Involuntarily, he reached toward her.

She stepped back, out of his reach. "Would you mind letting me leave first?" The bright pink in her cheeks intensified. "I don't want..."

"Go. And Madeline--"

"Yes?" The word was little more than a whisper.

"Thank you." He wanted to say more, but wasn't sure what, so he pulled the door open and waved her through.

That afternoon, when he met her eyes across a room, he read understanding. She knew, as well as he did, that their lives were separate, except for this one bright, never-to-be-forgotten touching. She would go back to Garnet Falls, Idaho, and remember him as a one-time anodyne for the awful emptiness Jesse Zenger had left in her life.

A familiar loneliness flooded Eric's mind, bringing despair so immense he almost cried out. In the next instant, he banished all emotion to the deepest, darkest corner of his mind.

"Now, let's consider the next scenario," he said to the workshop participants. "A Utility has applied for a permit to construct a hydropower dam, but there's a major wetland within the proposed reservoir area. Is exchanging a sedge-shrub marsh for a man-made lake a conversion of one wetland class to another?"